7 Rules for Authentic Networking

On Conduit, we recently talked about networking.

I'm a firm believer in networking. 100% of my jobs (from high school to tech) came through networking (aka someone reached out to me or I asked someone for help). The transition into tech was truly network driven. I had been a member of the San Diego Python and Operation Code communities for a couple years at this point and I asked a few friends to help me get a job in either DevRel or Software Engineering. Those friends then proceeded to get me about 7 interviews, 4 of which I went through the entire process and one (Elastic) that I received an offer from.

Most people hate networking because it feels "gross". But I think it's because networking done wrong feels transactional. I firmly believe that being intentional about how you network greatly changes the landscape and can make you someone that people will love to work with and help out. It's not hard and if you want a TLDR here it is.

Be a friend. Don't always ask. Don't fear asking. Be willing to do more than you take

That said, here are my rules to network:

Rule #1: Networking Should Never Be the Motive

Never introduce yourself solely for what someone can do for you. This is why I really hate networking events. My networking is mostly done at conferences while I'm walking through the expo hall. During this, I say hi to my old friends and when people are showing me their demos, I'm interested and I'm asking questions. Then during lunch I'll try to sit with someone that I spoke with and I'll eat lunch with them and learn more about THEM (not their work). Maybe when making dinner plans I'll find someone I spoke with and I'll suggest a good restaurant, and assume that I will pay for it. I'll also invite some friends so that they can also be acquainted.

My goal is to be the "least annoying person" they interact with that day. Having been at the booth I know that many folks show up wanting swag or to enter a competition. I like the things I work on, so I'm always excited to ask people about what they are working on and hear their excitement as well.

Someone that I met at a conference and then got excited to see them again is my friend Jib from MongoDB. We had a great time walking back from a happy hour and then got pizza and looked at art in Durham and then when I saw them again in Pittsburgh I spent a good 15 minutes just catching up with them. I found out they got married and promoted and that things were going great. They also now work with my friend from BPD, Afi who hung out with us at the happy hour as well.

After the conference I'll connect with them and make sure that I'm liking and sharing things I see from them on LinkedIn or social. The next time we see one another I'll make sure to bring up something they were doing or was happening. Rinse and Repeat.

When MongoDB reached out to me about an opportunity, I reached out to Jib to learn more about the role. It wound up not working out but I was glad to know someone and be okay to talk with them and get a better understanding of the gig.

It's more friendship than transaction

I hope this is the behavior of a friend or good aquaintance, not someone asking for things. If there is a request that friend can help with. I ping them.

"Hey 👋!

I've a saw you post about {SOME THING}, can you tell me more about it. I {YOUR INTENT}.

Also, are you going to {CONFERENCE} this year! It will be great to see you again. We have to go back to {RESTAURANT}. That place was amazing!

The thing that makes this introduction valuable is the scarcity of authenticity. Hank Green talked about this in a recent video. People are desperate for authentic experiences, not sales pitches. The ask about a thing was after several occasions of being a good friend. With some friends, I jokingly remind them that one day I will need to repay them. A great example of this is the amazing folks at REVSYS whom I've known for about 8 years now. They're all amazing folks and have helped me time and time again. I can't wait for the day I can repay them for all the amazing dinners they've invited me to.

Here are some general rules for when you are in a place that networking can happen.

Rule #2: Read the Room

You need to be respectful of what's happening around you. The people that sit next to me at a baseball game want to watch the game (unless it's a blowout). Don't try to become someone's bestie at the Happy Hour. But also don't try it at a time where they aren't mentally available.

I talked a lot about talking to someone at a booth. This is often a 3 minute interaction MAX. The longer you chat with that person the more likely you are preventing them from doing their job.

Rule #2: The "First Date" Rule

NEVER ask on the first interaction.

Honestly, don't ask on the second.

If the first time you are connecting with someone is during a transaction, you need to make sure that you can sprinkle a personal touch onto the conversation.

I interviewed someone for my old podcast. Then all the conversations after that were based on their knowledge but a clear desire to establish a friendship. And then I locked that friendship in by getting their kid super excited about peanut butter on hot dogs. Don't knock it 'til you try it.

This is another favorite way to engage with people and convert the interaction from transaction to conversation. I may see a plant in their background or one of their favorite sports teams. Again my goal is that even if there wasn't a positive outcome to the transaction, they would be excited to try again in the future, or at least have a wonderful conversation again.

Rule #3: Don't Be Afraid

The first time I met Guido Van Rossum, was at PyCascades in 2018. This was the first year of the event. A friend of mine said "Hey that's Guido. Why don't you go say hi?" I absolutely did not do that but I was young(er) and lacked confidence.

The next year at North Bay Python, Guido invited me to dinner and picked my brain about podcasting and my experience using Python as an automation tool. He engaged with me in a way that was inquisitive and friendly.

I wound up working with Guido and while we don't talk every day (like with some of my friends), we tend to have a cordial conversation where we catch up and I wouldn't hesitate to reach out to him if I had a particular ask.

The first time I met Kelsey Hightower, it was very different. I was starting at Aiven and he was our keynote speaker. I really wanted to pick Kelsey's brain. It was transactional but Kelsey was great at answering the question and then making a session around mentorship and turned it into a fantastic and authentic conversation. I felt like dang Kelsey is great! I should relax and just be cool.

A year later, I met him again and he remembered talking with me and we had a wonderful conversation with no transaction. I don't think I know Kelsey enough to ask for his help with Kubernetes, but if he was advising a company that was looking for a developer advocacy manager or director, I wouldn't hesitate to ask for an intro.

That said the difference was when Guido networked with me, it wasn't transactional. It was friendly. It was personal. I've had a few meals with Guido and it's always a fun time with great conversation.

Rule #4: Be Concrete

If you make an ask, it must be specific. Don't make the other person do the mental work of figuring out how to help you. Make it as easy as possible for them to help you.

I asked a few friends to help me with Black Python Devs by being an advisor. My ask for them was simple. I would let them know how things were going and if they had any insight into what I should do about the things I was stumped on, they should let me know.

I let them know that I would email them and I don't expect them to have the answers, but if they have an answer then I would be happy to have it.

Asking someone for something is often not a big deal, but if the person doesn't know the weight of the ask, they are less likely to offer their help. If you have a request. Make sure the request is as specific as possible.

Rule #5: "No" is a complete sentence

This is the hardest part and the thing that I think most people get wrong. Many people are afraid to let people down.

No HAS to be okay. It also has to be a complete sentence, meaning there is no need for justification.

I tell this to my daughter. Your friends should respect your No's and you shouldn't have to explain yourself.

This is hard. Being told no isn't fun or great and if you're hoping that your friend is going to help you out, when they can't you are left disappointed and likely still in need of help.

That said networking is about self-care and often saying no to others is saying yes to yourself. (See one of my favorite episodes of conduit... See, what we're not gon' do.

We've talked about the receiving side of networking. What's MORE important is the giving.

I know some folks that are very transactional to the point that it feels like a record is kept and there is a networking balance sheet. I'm personally not a fan of that. This is where my cohost Kathy's 'Vibes-based' works really well. But for me I hope that I'm always giving more than I'm receiving.

If you feel as if you're not giving as much in your relationships, consider asking.

Hey, I really appreciate how much you've helped me. Is there anything that I can do to help you?

Rule #6 Being a Connector

It doesn't always have to be you providing the benefit. I love connecting a friend to another friend. Being a connector is such a super power. This can sometimes allow you to help multiple people which I will explain in the very next point.

Rule #7: Networking Isn’t Always About Free/Cheap Help

The "homie hookup" is always appreciated, but I've watched people homie hookup themselves out of a home. If someone is helping you find a job you want them to get you a job that pays well right? So why would you want a discount from your friend.

Real networking means paying professionals what they are worth to support their business. If you can't afford it and need the discount, be ready to trade some work to make it even.

Final Takeaway: Don't be a jerk.

Networking is an opportunity for a friendship to be mutually beneficial. It also creates an opportunity for one person to benefit more than the other. That said I do like the idea of trying to think about how you can do something for your friend.

My former manager and friend Anthony loves bringing gifts from Australia (my keys are on a lanyard he gave me years ago). Every time he gives me a gift, I try to return the favor with something that will remind him that I'm appreciative of his friendship. It doesn't have to be expensive. I mean I gave him 3d-printed cornbread once. The goal is to say. Thank you so much for more than anything being a wonderful friend. Anthony convinced me to interview with Microsoft and was a wonderful mentor, even when it was time for me to leave. I would reach out to him for help in a heartbeat, but I would love for him more than anything to know I appreciate the life lessons he's taught me as well as the many times of laughter. That is more important than any transactional benefit he could bestow.

I mean that is the reality. If you are networking to get something from someone, you aren't a friend, you're a leech. If you're afraid to ask your friends for help, they will likely have to help you anyway and sometimes the help can benefit both parties.

For instance a recommendation for a job often comes with a bonus. If someone puts you onto a new product, they may have an affiliate link that can generate them a discount as well. I would also ask how the help can help them out as well.

That said, don't be afraid to talk to someone or meet someone. I hope many people will use this as an opportunity to network with me.