Flamethrowers Shouldn't Be Controlled by Those with Mental Health Issues

I've been avoiding writing this because it feels incredibly personal to be talking about. That being said, it's Black History Month and things like this have often not been included in the discussion and left for others to speak on our behalf. At 28, due to a breakdown at work, I made the decision to seek help from a mental health professional for the first time. In that meeting, I was diagnosed with Depression, Social & General Anxiety, and the biggest "DUH" moment: ADHD.

I've been pretty vocal about these kinds of things since. It was never an excuse for me, but it was a way to shed light on when I wasn't being my best (or maybe too much of it). This cocktail of diagnoses has gone mostly unmedicated (due to how the trials with medication have not been great for me). That said, I've also not been taking care of myself health-wise.

Burning Candles

I've always said that I don't burn candles at both ends; instead, I take a flamethrower straight to the middle. As I've gotten older, I've come to learn the pattern of behavior. It starts with manic mode, and many amazing things came out of these modes, Render Engine, Python Community News, Black Python Devs, and many faded podcasts.

The problem is that 6-18 months later, I hit depressive mode for like a year. I hear my friend Pamela Fox's voice in my head: "Creating a new repo is like adopting a puppy." I don't lose interest; I lose availability. Still, that project continues to live and needs care.

Doing Without Caring

This is why I have left so many jobs. I get excited about the challenge and then I dive head-first. Jeff, my friend and mentor in many ways, has heard me say so many times—"I believe in the mission." One year later, the mission is no longer there and the money is the thing that's keeping me around. In my current job, I've had six bosses and they've all left the company. I have so much survivorship guilt that I feel like I'm the problem, and one day it will be me that is gone out of nowhere.

This is the weird part: I'm actually really invested in the work that I'm doing. I once again "believe in the mission." I don't like all the moves, but that's why it's a team effort. I want to contribute and right now I feel like I'm doing that, but I'm doing it with a cloud over my head. I'm not capable of doing things that are boring for a long period of time. I'm also not able to do things that I think have negative impacts on those I care about.

This has made me cautiously optimistic about AI, but it also makes me sad. Someone asked me if AI would help break down barriers in technology that were built by inequality. I laughed because I knew the answer would be that it would only widen that inequality gap. The rich would get richer and the poor would have more to want in this world.

But that is what drives me to be the "horrible employee" that I am. I care about the individual users and developers more than the dollars and cents that they provide to me or my employer. When I see projects cancelled because they don't align with ARR, but could have helped those engineers that were developing it have less time on Pager Duty and more time with their family, it makes me sad. The same goes for when any conversation starts with "What customers are asking for this?" I get it. There needs to be validation of ideas before you waste a bunch of developers' time, but often it is used as a cudgel to say—"We aren't going to do that because it doesn't benefit us to do it." They are right, but the thing is that companies are quick to tell you that something isn't a priority and then change their mind when their ops are doing it, and benefitting from it.

Anyone Can Make Anything These Days

The best part of this AI world is that anyone can build a poorly thought-out version of anything these days, including me. Honestly, most people don't need a well-thought-out version of things. That said, I fought for so long to get better at the intangibles that I hope will keep me employed. I spend 5x the tokens on my still poorly thought-out projects because I want to have a solid understanding of how things work. I let AI access my Kroki instance and build diagrams to help me better understand what the plan is.

I spend less time talking to my wife and daughter and more time talking to Claude. I can't spend $25/month on ice cream, but I can spend $100 on AI plans. I can't muster the energy to hang out with my friends at game night, but I can remain sedentary in front of my screen playing with this toy that I will ultimately abandon and no one will ever see or care about.

So why am I depressed now?

I don't know which of the many different triggers brought all this on, but I hit the signs of an episode so much that anyone with the DS5 could identify. I can point to a lot of small things like concerns over financial instability, hobbies becoming more and more expensive, and my fear of being a failure of a father to a VERY VERY smart kid. There's also the fact that I made a large career decision that cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars in the spirit of wanting to be happier at work and a chance to become a manager, which was ultimately pulled away from me. Also, my plants are dying and I don't know why—I hope it's the cold and that spring and summer will bring many of them back to life.

I also look at how little time I spent with my family, not just my immediate family, but my parents and my grandparents. I have not lived closer to them in the last 20 years and I'm finding myself further and further from spending time with them. I feel like I'm stuck in my career; to move into the space that I would like to move into, I would have to give up A LOT OF MONEY, and also I'm constantly reminded that the place that I'm trying to get to is being made redundant by AI. Lastly, the path to getting over the depression is a lot slower as I get older.

We'll just chalk it all up to stress and stuff.

I'm afraid of the damage this post will do, but hey, the people that would likely deem me as someone that I shouldn't work with are likely the type of people I don't want to work for anyway. I've been spending too many nights crying lately for my fear. I'm constantly afraid of validating someone's beliefs that college dropouts with mental health issues are not worth taking a shot with. I'm afraid that I'll instill some of my horrible behaviors and patterns around work onto my kid.

What can I do about it?

Nothing at the moment. I announced that I will step down from BPD in 2028. Render Engine is a toy project and I am happy that I have some folks helping with that. Work is work and I've compartmentalized it as such. Conduit is my weekly source of dopamine from amazing friends, but it doesn't pay my mortgage (or fund my AI credits for that matter). I'm going to be attending more events this year than any other year, but I'm going to likely be speaking at less. I'm hoping to get more involved behind the scenes.

So that candle will keep burning because that candle is my ambition and drive to continue to be what I am to my family and so many others around the world. You think I am strong and I may be, but strength and weakness can coexist, and like many people, my weakness is annoying to myself and others, as well as not beneficial to anyone.

My Call to Action

My hope is that someone that has also dealt with this can bump into me at a conference, and give me a hug and perhaps a piece of advice that will bring relief. If someone is going through this, I don't think I have the capacity to embrace the chaos with you, but I do have the desire to see you doing great and know that I'm rooting for you.

If you see me and you want to talk about AI, Python, or PostgreSQL¹, let's just talk about baseball instead. If you don't like baseball, then maybe coffee, traveling, or anime, or how amazing it is to be a parent. I'm okay. I will get through this mostly intact. I always do. I just need time to slow down a little bit around me and I need some of my amazing friends who make feel like my world isn't doomed.

Also, if you're a financial planner or technical career coach that specializes with folks dealing with mental health issues... I'm listening.